Day 55-Lonliness and Pain

 

Dear Keith,
As I sit here tonight alone in the dark, I stare at lil Aden laying on our bed. My brain reacts like a slide show and pictures of you and him cross my mind. I remember how many nights I laid awake staring at you two. How his lil body wrapped around you for security, how his little fingers would play with your hair or rub your arm. When he fell off the bed tonight, I thought about how we would sleep on both sides of him and protect him so that such things wouldn't happen. Now one side of the bed no longer has a human rail; you're gone. The only thing he has left of you is your blanket and he curls up in it every night like clockwork. He won't sleep without it, and I don't blame him because I feel the same way about your pillows. I place my feather pillow over your blue one and hold your other pillow tight in my arms. It no longer smells like you. It hasn't for weeks. I thought about buying some of your spray, but I know it wouldn't be the same, the chemistry would be different w/out your natural scent and it just wouldn't provide the same comfort.

This all takes me right back to the drawing board. I MISS YOU and I don't understand how you can do what you are doing. Do you ever thing about me? Don't you miss me at all? Don't you have any good memories to draw from, that reminds you how in love we once were? I still love you like that. I still need you like that. Im so lonly but my mind screams that NOTHING compares and there is no reason to try to replace you because it will never happen. and then my mind argues with it's self...

 (Example Of How This Plays out)

Right Brain: He will come back; You'll see... just be patient....

Left Brain: He'll never come back. He called you a fat ass... and he is chasing all these other women.

Right Brain: I quit eating. I've lost over 10 pounds. I been fixing myself up everyday and even posting pictures for him to find... I'm trying to make changes in my appearance so that I can recapture his attention. I mean I did it before so I can do it again. Right?

Left Brain: Ok so even if he does notice it won't change anything... He told someone he left because was tired of being financially responsible for everything.                    

                        

Right Brain: Ok, he don't have to be totally responsible... If I pay off the house then that bill will be eliminated & it might prove to him that I can be equally responsible for everything.

Left Brain: Ok, so I pay off the house and there are other problems; so it won't matter. What about the fact that he told people you won't work?

Right Brain: I'm just going to have to keep trying. I been putting in all kinds of applications. I check on them every week, but nothing is happening yet but it will happen. maybe if I can get a car... maybe I can change his mind if I just had a car and could go farther away to find work.

Left Brain:  Hey dumb ass, you been TRYING for 7 years there are NO jobs here and you can't get a car without money, and you can't get money without a job. How the fuck do you think you can get a car or a job like this? You can't win!

Right Brain: But I have to, I can't just give up. I have to keep trying. Jesus Christ, even my own brain isn't supporting me in this...

And the tears flow...

It's a never ending battle. All I want to do is fix this and regain our happiness... It's all I think about. Why can't you understand how much I love you? Why can't you see what I'm willing to do to prove to you? 

Do you really like living w/ your parents, sleeping alone in that little bedroom? Don't you miss being held, admired, loved? I miss you... But that don't matter does it? 

(And Left brain says "NO!!!")

Day 53- He is such a player!

 Dear Keith,
I just noticed your status post from yesterday.... & you lil cyber woman's comment...

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keith "good morning all my friends ......an if you dont have a damn pic your not geting added"

1 day ago ·

Marcie Skippingth... 1 day ago "You tell em pal!!! =)" Why do I feel like I KNOW why you wrote this status! It's getting that bad heh?

 1 day ago "Yes it is marcie "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Like really Keith are you THAT paranoid? WHY? Who do you think will try to contact you w/out a picture? Sure the hell won't be me and IF I were going to "contact u", I wouldn't hide behind a empty picture. Id gather enough pics of someone that reminds me of your other cyber sluts so that I could really play it off the right way. I mean seriously! Get the hell over yourself... Why should I even bother? I could have been face to face with you today but NO I didnt want to. I'm starting to realize just how pathetic you really are... and its fucked up... You see, I know the lies you are telling these women and it's pretty sick! Ya know, eventually they are going to get smart and check into your stories. IF karma works really good they will band together and figure out just how NOT innocent you are and how you twist the truth so that you can get them to do what you want. Oh well IF it happens it happens. Then maybe you will stop being the way you are and take responsibility for YOUR actions. 

Who am I fooling... that will never happen and I know it...

Though I do wonder if she knows that you told people you slept with her when you took her to walmart....

(Yes dear readers the Marcie girl was the woman from walmart that I wrote about....)

Day 51- The heart ache never ends

Dear Keith,
Well, 51 days feels like eturnity. I know you don't care, but I know that I still do and I don't know what do about it or with myself. My heart keeps screaming... "If only you could understand, maybe you would change your mind." but you're not going to are you? You are having too much fun right? I don't get it... I really don't.

How can you spend 7 years with a woman, raise her kids, help raise her grandkids, call yourself dad/pappy and then walk out like it never mattered? My god, that seems so ruthless, and I just can't believe that the man I know could be so cold. I can't think of one single thing that I could have done or any group of things that I could have done that would have caused me to deserve the pain I am feeling right now. &  you won't talk to me. It's so unfair. YES I know life isn't suppose to be fair, but I know I could never do this to anyone. & no one seems to understand what I'm going through. I'm completely alone.

Keith I'm human. I think it is normal for a person to miss someone when they loose them especially when they love the person as much as I love you. this is crazy keithie, I never meant to fall in love with you but I did and I never meant to give you so much control over me as I did but it happen and now I am here without you & I miss you. I miss your brown eyes, your quirky smile, your laugh, the funny way you mixed up your words. I miss the way you would walk past and pick on me by pulling my shirt string or pulling my top down. I miss the way you would look at me w/ those wanting me eyes. I miss your smell, I miss running my hands over your belly, I miss feeling your heart beat in my ear. I miss the blanket wars, your passionate kiss, your being in the same room; even when we weren't saying a word. There was such a feeling of security just knowing you were there with me. I wasn't alone and I felt loved.

 Ok so you aren't a chip n dale dancer or a famous model, you are no brainiack like Einstein, and you're not rich. But once I got to know you, you became all I ever wanted. I swear Keith if I had known I was doing something wrong; I would have fixed it. I never wanted to lose you. You have to believe that. I mean yea I know you don't have to believe it, but I really really wish you would because I don't want anyone else and I have no desire to move on. I'd rather be dead.

Ok before that is taken out of context... no I'm not going to do anything stupid because I don't have the balls, but I do pray all the time that the Gods will put me out of my misery so that I don't have to continue to hurt. I even dream about finding out that something is seriously wrong with me, and that I would refuse treatment so that this can all stop. But I guess you'll never understand how important you really are to me and even if you do, you won't care cause that's just how my life goes... After all I am the gods science experiment... Its my job to show them how easy it is for a person to break...

I guess they really succeeded this time.... your gone, the kids hate me, and I'm completely alone....without my heart because you still have that too...

Acceptance

 

Dear Keith,

These are the worst words that people say to me. 

and this is my response...

NO I didn't want this. But it did happen.

No I can't do anything about it 

no matter how bad I want to

But I DON'T have to accept it.

Not until I am ready to 

which may never happen

I never wanted to know that you cheated. 

I never wanted to find the evidence.

I never wanted to be hurt like this

to loose trust in you

to feel the walls cave in

I never wanted to be lied to

or left 

but it happen anyway!

And I DONT WANT TO LIVE W/OUT YOU

but the gods are horrible and 

refuse to assist me w/ my prayers

&

I don't have balls of steel 

so I can't do anything about it!

I wish I could....

But I can't!

Day 50- The New Blog

Dear Keith,

I'm obviously I'm not going to get over you anytime soon and the fact that I'm taking this so hard seems to bother everyone so fine. Today I decided to start a blog so that I can vent, sort my feelings, and not have to worry about who sees it or about who will attack me for feeling as I do. For what it's worth, I'll simply write here and if I get attacked again I'll just go private.Works for me I guess, I mean I have nothing else. I'm all alone. & you don't care, right? Don't worry, you don't have to answer that, I'll answer it for you... "NO Jesilyn, I don't give a shit about you. The past 7 years meant nothing. You could die and I'd dance on your grave..." Yep thats how you make me feel Keith. That's exactly how you make me feel.

You really can't see how much I love you or what I would give to fix this. You don't understand that I spend everyday wanting to die and that every ounce of happiness is gone. You don't understand that I don't eat sleep or laugh. You don't understand that I miss you so much. You don't understand anything...

I ask myself all the time if you played me. Sometimes I think it would have been impossible to fake such extreame emotions, and other times it feels so real.

All I know is that I could never do anyone else the way you have done me and my kids.

People don't think you've done anything to the kids that you left me and they are a casualty of the war. I see it as you left them too. You knew what could happen if you left. You know I couldn't afford to maintain this house. Hell I even offered you a deal if you wanted to leave. I told you that if you stayed long enough to secure this house (about 6 months) that I would share the money when I sold the house. All I wanted was my kids to be taken care of. The kids you claimed to love and the kids you left behind to suffer. But NO you couldn't do that could you?

You go around telling people I'm pissed that you won't pay my bills. The fact is that you lived here  for 7 years too. and the bills you walked out on YOU HELPED MAKE. Remember we were 2 months behind on all the bills, 4 months behind on the house and YES you lived here during those months but I get stuck paying the bills. But that's ok keith.

I hope you are enjoying that new TV, cell phone, DVD player and the car your parents rewarded you with when you abandoned your family to suffer. I hope that when you are out drinking or screwing your whores that you occasionally think about us and that the memories of what we had haunts you. I hope that one day you wake up and miss us the way me and the kids miss you.

But you won't will you? You aren't the same man anymore. Instead you have become a heartless Casanova who has nothing but himself to care about. Oh wait, you'll show the cyber sluts attention as long as they send you titty photos or masturbate online 4 you. Or have you progressed past that since you can drive to see them? I don't know... All I know is that Karin said you went to West Virginia today. Sometimes she when she tells me stuff like this I think she does it to upset me more... after all, I really didn't need to hear that.

Day 49- My Status on facebook

I NEVER SAID ANYTHING "BAD" ABOUT KEITH'S BLOOD FAMILY. I HAVE ALWAYS APPRECIATED ANYTHING THEY EVER DID 4 ME AND THE KIDS. BUT EVERYONE WANTS TO TALK SHIT BEHIND MY BACK; THEY EVEN DO IT WITH MY KIDS SO THAT THEY COME HOME SPROUTING THE LIES/ MAKING MY LIFE EVEN MORE MISERABLE... SO GO AHEAD SAY WHAT U WANT, TREAT ME LIKE SHIT AND BLAME ME 4 IT. ALL i WANT IS OUT... (everyone wants to talk shit but no one ever takes responsibility 4 their own mistakes.)

• Donna Broemsen people loves talking crap.and voice there truths.they should clean there own porch.before cleaning someone else porch

  Yesterday at 13:33 via mobile · Like
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery Its a communication problem Donna. A HUGE communication problem. I'm being accused of saying "fuck his family" when I never said fuck his blood family I said he walked out on us like fuck his family. I'm sry if people refused to read the entire thing before casting judgements and attacking me or what ever. Hell Karin came him saying gma said she would help them but not me because of it. I have NEVER said anything bad about those people. I have no reason to. yes Im upset that they gave him a place to run away and hide at. I would have never done that w/ one of my kids. I would have told them they had a home and a family that marriage is work and that they need to act like an adult and work things out like one. Instead he runs home, gets his own room, and a new car while we are left to suffer. and thats what I see. I mean shit I dedicated 7 years to that man. I used thousands of financial aid dollars to try to fix his trailer, bought us cars (Him and I), kept new clothes on mine his and the kids backs etc... and then I used money from Fin-aid to pay on this house, fix it up and stuff til the money was GONE. I tried and still am trying to find a job, as u just said on the phone there are none here and w/out a car Im screwed. but no one sees what Im trying to do just that I cant accomplish anything. Its crazy.

  Yesterday at 14:03 · Like
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery It's not that I think people "owe" me... its more like I think people should help others like I have always tried to help people. After he left they started helping get rid of the trash. I didnt have anything to give so I offered to help her arround the house if he wasnt home. She never took me up on that offer, thats not my fault. I once had a 10 in my pocket and offered to give her some. she declined said no. Im sry if it wasnt good enough but I DID TRY. and I have ALWAYS said TY for what people did 4 me... I have always appreciated anything any one has done. but no one ever sees that....

  Yesterday at 14:09 · Like

Day 48- Update

I had a Dr apt, lost 10 lbs (since he left), and my BP is 198/104. With his meetme whore activities I asked the dr to do a full blood work up. He did. results should be back in a few days.... I did get new bp meds, they might work if I take them.... I'm thinking why bother!