Day 55-Lonliness and Pain

 

Dear Keith,
As I sit here tonight alone in the dark, I stare at lil Aden laying on our bed. My brain reacts like a slide show and pictures of you and him cross my mind. I remember how many nights I laid awake staring at you two. How his lil body wrapped around you for security, how his little fingers would play with your hair or rub your arm. When he fell off the bed tonight, I thought about how we would sleep on both sides of him and protect him so that such things wouldn't happen. Now one side of the bed no longer has a human rail; you're gone. The only thing he has left of you is your blanket and he curls up in it every night like clockwork. He won't sleep without it, and I don't blame him because I feel the same way about your pillows. I place my feather pillow over your blue one and hold your other pillow tight in my arms. It no longer smells like you. It hasn't for weeks. I thought about buying some of your spray, but I know it wouldn't be the same, the chemistry would be different w/out your natural scent and it just wouldn't provide the same comfort.

This all takes me right back to the drawing board. I MISS YOU and I don't understand how you can do what you are doing. Do you ever thing about me? Don't you miss me at all? Don't you have any good memories to draw from, that reminds you how in love we once were? I still love you like that. I still need you like that. Im so lonly but my mind screams that NOTHING compares and there is no reason to try to replace you because it will never happen. and then my mind argues with it's self...

 (Example Of How This Plays out)

Right Brain: He will come back; You'll see... just be patient....

Left Brain: He'll never come back. He called you a fat ass... and he is chasing all these other women.

Right Brain: I quit eating. I've lost over 10 pounds. I been fixing myself up everyday and even posting pictures for him to find... I'm trying to make changes in my appearance so that I can recapture his attention. I mean I did it before so I can do it again. Right?

Left Brain: Ok so even if he does notice it won't change anything... He told someone he left because was tired of being financially responsible for everything.                    

                        

Right Brain: Ok, he don't have to be totally responsible... If I pay off the house then that bill will be eliminated & it might prove to him that I can be equally responsible for everything.

Left Brain: Ok, so I pay off the house and there are other problems; so it won't matter. What about the fact that he told people you won't work?

Right Brain: I'm just going to have to keep trying. I been putting in all kinds of applications. I check on them every week, but nothing is happening yet but it will happen. maybe if I can get a car... maybe I can change his mind if I just had a car and could go farther away to find work.

Left Brain:  Hey dumb ass, you been TRYING for 7 years there are NO jobs here and you can't get a car without money, and you can't get money without a job. How the fuck do you think you can get a car or a job like this? You can't win!

Right Brain: But I have to, I can't just give up. I have to keep trying. Jesus Christ, even my own brain isn't supporting me in this...

And the tears flow...

It's a never ending battle. All I want to do is fix this and regain our happiness... It's all I think about. Why can't you understand how much I love you? Why can't you see what I'm willing to do to prove to you? 

Do you really like living w/ your parents, sleeping alone in that little bedroom? Don't you miss being held, admired, loved? I miss you... But that don't matter does it? 

(And Left brain says "NO!!!")

Day 53- He is such a player!

 Dear Keith,
I just noticed your status post from yesterday.... & you lil cyber woman's comment...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

keith "good morning all my friends ......an if you dont have a damn pic your not geting added"

1 day ago ·

Marcie Skippingth... 1 day ago "You tell em pal!!! =)" Why do I feel like I KNOW why you wrote this status! It's getting that bad heh?

 1 day ago "Yes it is marcie "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Like really Keith are you THAT paranoid? WHY? Who do you think will try to contact you w/out a picture? Sure the hell won't be me and IF I were going to "contact u", I wouldn't hide behind a empty picture. Id gather enough pics of someone that reminds me of your other cyber sluts so that I could really play it off the right way. I mean seriously! Get the hell over yourself... Why should I even bother? I could have been face to face with you today but NO I didnt want to. I'm starting to realize just how pathetic you really are... and its fucked up... You see, I know the lies you are telling these women and it's pretty sick! Ya know, eventually they are going to get smart and check into your stories. IF karma works really good they will band together and figure out just how NOT innocent you are and how you twist the truth so that you can get them to do what you want. Oh well IF it happens it happens. Then maybe you will stop being the way you are and take responsibility for YOUR actions. 

Who am I fooling... that will never happen and I know it...

Though I do wonder if she knows that you told people you slept with her when you took her to walmart....

(Yes dear readers the Marcie girl was the woman from walmart that I wrote about....)

Day 51- The heart ache never ends

Dear Keith,
Well, 51 days feels like eturnity. I know you don't care, but I know that I still do and I don't know what do about it or with myself. My heart keeps screaming... "If only you could understand, maybe you would change your mind." but you're not going to are you? You are having too much fun right? I don't get it... I really don't.

How can you spend 7 years with a woman, raise her kids, help raise her grandkids, call yourself dad/pappy and then walk out like it never mattered? My god, that seems so ruthless, and I just can't believe that the man I know could be so cold. I can't think of one single thing that I could have done or any group of things that I could have done that would have caused me to deserve the pain I am feeling right now. &  you won't talk to me. It's so unfair. YES I know life isn't suppose to be fair, but I know I could never do this to anyone. & no one seems to understand what I'm going through. I'm completely alone.

Keith I'm human. I think it is normal for a person to miss someone when they loose them especially when they love the person as much as I love you. this is crazy keithie, I never meant to fall in love with you but I did and I never meant to give you so much control over me as I did but it happen and now I am here without you & I miss you. I miss your brown eyes, your quirky smile, your laugh, the funny way you mixed up your words. I miss the way you would walk past and pick on me by pulling my shirt string or pulling my top down. I miss the way you would look at me w/ those wanting me eyes. I miss your smell, I miss running my hands over your belly, I miss feeling your heart beat in my ear. I miss the blanket wars, your passionate kiss, your being in the same room; even when we weren't saying a word. There was such a feeling of security just knowing you were there with me. I wasn't alone and I felt loved.

 Ok so you aren't a chip n dale dancer or a famous model, you are no brainiack like Einstein, and you're not rich. But once I got to know you, you became all I ever wanted. I swear Keith if I had known I was doing something wrong; I would have fixed it. I never wanted to lose you. You have to believe that. I mean yea I know you don't have to believe it, but I really really wish you would because I don't want anyone else and I have no desire to move on. I'd rather be dead.

Ok before that is taken out of context... no I'm not going to do anything stupid because I don't have the balls, but I do pray all the time that the Gods will put me out of my misery so that I don't have to continue to hurt. I even dream about finding out that something is seriously wrong with me, and that I would refuse treatment so that this can all stop. But I guess you'll never understand how important you really are to me and even if you do, you won't care cause that's just how my life goes... After all I am the gods science experiment... Its my job to show them how easy it is for a person to break...

I guess they really succeeded this time.... your gone, the kids hate me, and I'm completely alone....without my heart because you still have that too...

Acceptance

 

Dear Keith,

These are the worst words that people say to me. 

and this is my response...

NO I didn't want this. But it did happen.

No I can't do anything about it 

no matter how bad I want to

But I DON'T have to accept it.

Not until I am ready to 

which may never happen

I never wanted to know that you cheated. 

I never wanted to find the evidence.

I never wanted to be hurt like this

to loose trust in you

to feel the walls cave in

I never wanted to be lied to

or left 

but it happen anyway!

And I DONT WANT TO LIVE W/OUT YOU

but the gods are horrible and 

refuse to assist me w/ my prayers

&

I don't have balls of steel 

so I can't do anything about it!

I wish I could....

But I can't!

Day 50- The New Blog

Dear Keith,

I'm obviously I'm not going to get over you anytime soon and the fact that I'm taking this so hard seems to bother everyone so fine. Today I decided to start a blog so that I can vent, sort my feelings, and not have to worry about who sees it or about who will attack me for feeling as I do. For what it's worth, I'll simply write here and if I get attacked again I'll just go private.Works for me I guess, I mean I have nothing else. I'm all alone. & you don't care, right? Don't worry, you don't have to answer that, I'll answer it for you... "NO Jesilyn, I don't give a shit about you. The past 7 years meant nothing. You could die and I'd dance on your grave..." Yep thats how you make me feel Keith. That's exactly how you make me feel.

You really can't see how much I love you or what I would give to fix this. You don't understand that I spend everyday wanting to die and that every ounce of happiness is gone. You don't understand that I don't eat sleep or laugh. You don't understand that I miss you so much. You don't understand anything...

I ask myself all the time if you played me. Sometimes I think it would have been impossible to fake such extreame emotions, and other times it feels so real.

All I know is that I could never do anyone else the way you have done me and my kids.

People don't think you've done anything to the kids that you left me and they are a casualty of the war. I see it as you left them too. You knew what could happen if you left. You know I couldn't afford to maintain this house. Hell I even offered you a deal if you wanted to leave. I told you that if you stayed long enough to secure this house (about 6 months) that I would share the money when I sold the house. All I wanted was my kids to be taken care of. The kids you claimed to love and the kids you left behind to suffer. But NO you couldn't do that could you?

You go around telling people I'm pissed that you won't pay my bills. The fact is that you lived here  for 7 years too. and the bills you walked out on YOU HELPED MAKE. Remember we were 2 months behind on all the bills, 4 months behind on the house and YES you lived here during those months but I get stuck paying the bills. But that's ok keith.

I hope you are enjoying that new TV, cell phone, DVD player and the car your parents rewarded you with when you abandoned your family to suffer. I hope that when you are out drinking or screwing your whores that you occasionally think about us and that the memories of what we had haunts you. I hope that one day you wake up and miss us the way me and the kids miss you.

But you won't will you? You aren't the same man anymore. Instead you have become a heartless Casanova who has nothing but himself to care about. Oh wait, you'll show the cyber sluts attention as long as they send you titty photos or masturbate online 4 you. Or have you progressed past that since you can drive to see them? I don't know... All I know is that Karin said you went to West Virginia today. Sometimes she when she tells me stuff like this I think she does it to upset me more... after all, I really didn't need to hear that.

Day 49- My Status on facebook

I NEVER SAID ANYTHING "BAD" ABOUT KEITH'S BLOOD FAMILY. I HAVE ALWAYS APPRECIATED ANYTHING THEY EVER DID 4 ME AND THE KIDS. BUT EVERYONE WANTS TO TALK SHIT BEHIND MY BACK; THEY EVEN DO IT WITH MY KIDS SO THAT THEY COME HOME SPROUTING THE LIES/ MAKING MY LIFE EVEN MORE MISERABLE... SO GO AHEAD SAY WHAT U WANT, TREAT ME LIKE SHIT AND BLAME ME 4 IT. ALL i WANT IS OUT... (everyone wants to talk shit but no one ever takes responsibility 4 their own mistakes.)

• Donna Broemsen people loves talking crap.and voice there truths.they should clean there own porch.before cleaning someone else porch

  Yesterday at 13:33 via mobile · Like
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery Its a communication problem Donna. A HUGE communication problem. I'm being accused of saying "fuck his family" when I never said fuck his blood family I said he walked out on us like fuck his family. I'm sry if people refused to read the entire thing before casting judgements and attacking me or what ever. Hell Karin came him saying gma said she would help them but not me because of it. I have NEVER said anything bad about those people. I have no reason to. yes Im upset that they gave him a place to run away and hide at. I would have never done that w/ one of my kids. I would have told them they had a home and a family that marriage is work and that they need to act like an adult and work things out like one. Instead he runs home, gets his own room, and a new car while we are left to suffer. and thats what I see. I mean shit I dedicated 7 years to that man. I used thousands of financial aid dollars to try to fix his trailer, bought us cars (Him and I), kept new clothes on mine his and the kids backs etc... and then I used money from Fin-aid to pay on this house, fix it up and stuff til the money was GONE. I tried and still am trying to find a job, as u just said on the phone there are none here and w/out a car Im screwed. but no one sees what Im trying to do just that I cant accomplish anything. Its crazy.

  Yesterday at 14:03 · Like
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery It's not that I think people "owe" me... its more like I think people should help others like I have always tried to help people. After he left they started helping get rid of the trash. I didnt have anything to give so I offered to help her arround the house if he wasnt home. She never took me up on that offer, thats not my fault. I once had a 10 in my pocket and offered to give her some. she declined said no. Im sry if it wasnt good enough but I DID TRY. and I have ALWAYS said TY for what people did 4 me... I have always appreciated anything any one has done. but no one ever sees that....

  Yesterday at 14:09 · Like

Day 48- Update

I had a Dr apt, lost 10 lbs (since he left), and my BP is 198/104. With his meetme whore activities I asked the dr to do a full blood work up. He did. results should be back in a few days.... I did get new bp meds, they might work if I take them.... I'm thinking why bother!

Day 48-days- GOD I HATE BEING CALLED A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 His mom says he is always in bed by 10 & the very next night.... he is online again... go figure...

 

After 3am on the 16th and he obviously wasn't at her house because the site says 500ft.

 

and again after 9pm he was 500 ft (again not at his moms when she said he is ALWAYS in bed by 10pm)

GOD I HATE BEING CALLED A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(P.S. I got these images off a public website that we both belong to in a VERY public area. 

& he turned off his GPS settings after I posted how I knew and that I COULD post screenshots....)

Day 46- My Facebook Status

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: OK My privacy settings are set. From here on out I will post both public and private aka friends only status & -IF I catch anyone relaying my "Private" status to Keith or his immediate family... I will DELETE & BLOCK you.... NO EXCEPTIONS! This is MY page and I will vent on it if I want to. I do not need to have my posts torn apart and will NOT tolerate it anymore not that I did before but still....

Day 46 My Facebook & Meetme Status (Comments from facebook)

 

 

I hate how cold hearted some people are. Keith aint man enough to talk to me but is hanging w my kid after he ripped our family apart... Then I found out she took Aden around him... FINE I'm done. I'm not going to deal w/ poor lil Aden crying for a man that didn't care if he ate or had a home or not... IF Keith is more important than me, let him be her babysitter....

• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery GUESS HE IS... ADEN IS W/ KEITH while Karin is w/ David Im DONE fuck this shit IM DONE!

  14 April at 21:47 ·
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery He isnt a dad or a grandpa he didnt care if that baby had a home or food. I had to beg borrow and everything else to save the house and still am. and she has the nerve to call me a cry baby... some nerve Karin some nerve!....

  14 April at 21:49 · 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery thats fucked up. keirh had him 30 min then called ney to come get him cause he wont stay there...well if u were home where u belonged aden wouldnt b so damned confused and scared to stay with you. but thanks cause now i get to deal with his crying...some pappy you are!

  14 April at 22:23 via mobile · 
• 

  Clinton Charles Anderson Sr Damm

  14 April at 23:01 via mobile · 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery yea

  14 April at 23:01 ·
• 

  Clinton Charles Anderson Sr Hugs

  14 April at 23:03 via mobile · 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery back at u

  14 April at 23:04 · 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery I just can't believe that he has the nerve or that she thinks its ok... I mean shit if he wasn't being such a butt... and was at least trying to be civil like YOU or was like you & gave a shit if these kids had a safe place to live and food it would be one thing. but NO.... he didn't... so why should he have contact w/ my kids/grandkids? You know how I am Clinton. I can stay friends... but he wont even try

  14 April at 23:07 · 
• 

  Clinton Charles Anderson Sr Don't know

  14 April at 23:13 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery me neither. all i know is that Im tired of people wanting everything from me and not caring about my feelings...

  14 April at 23:17 
• 

  Clinton Charles Anderson Sr True

  14 April at 23:20
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery do u think Im wrong 4 wanting him to stay away from the kids all the kids?

  14 April at 23:21 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery cause some people think I am... they think he should get some type of visitation w/ the grandkids

  14 April at 23:21
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery My side is that 1. he left them w/ nothing. I never did that to anyone. I take in complete strangers when they need help let alone kids I love.... and 2.... everytime he sees aden it makes aden ask when pappy is coming home & beg to c him. Maybe if he dont see him his lil heart will forget him and heal... but thats not gonna happen if he keeps coming around...

  14 April at 23:24 
• 

  Clinton Charles Anderson Sr True

  14 April at 23:25
• 

  Marg Cassada My opinion may or may not count but as I see it, Keith left Miss K. Along with Ellie and Jess. Not caring if they have food, a roof over their head, electric for the grand babies! If he cared he would at least helped out when everything was going to get shut off..... All he had to do was tell Jess to start doing something cause he is planning on leaving. But no he chose to leave her, kids and grand kids at the house knowing the bills were going to be due in a few days. Jess had no chance to have things arranged for the kids and grand kids. What if the electric was shut off for non payment? Where would those babies be? Would Keith have taken all the babies in?

  14 April at 23:34 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery HELL NO. he is living w/out worries w/ his mommy and daddy. he has a roof over his head, all the bills paid, a car to drive, and food in his stomach while the kids and I scrape to get by and try to keep it together.

  14 April at 23:37 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery To answer your question... IF the electric was shut off the kids would have to leave the house or CPS would take them PERIOD. He knew that & he didnt care.... all he cared about is the women he was chasing... Fuck his family... we can die and he wouldn't care...

  14 April at 23:38
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery I wouldn't reat my worst enemy the way he has treated us...

  14 April at 23:39
• 

  Marg Cassada So why would Miss K put Aden in jepardy

  14 April at 23:40 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery and whats worse... even after what he did... IF he needed something... I wouldn't be cold hearted enough to turn him down either...

  14 April at 23:40
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery she thinks its ok 4 Keith to c the kids. probably cause she calls him to drive her everywhere

  14 April at 23:40
• 

  Marg Cassada Sorry... Why would Miss K put Aden in Jeopardy not knowing if Keith would up and leave him with whomever?

  14 April at 23:41 
• 

  Marg Cassada So she using him?

  14 April at 23:42 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery don't ask me that...

  14 April at 23:43
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery as 4 him leaving aden... he wouldnt.... he'd send him home 1st... at least i believe he would... but then what do i know... i never expected him to be like he is now right?

  14 April at 23:48
• 

  Staci Ogden ·
  

  OK, going to try to write this so that I don't sound like a cold hearted bitch. Everyone is going on Jes' story and while it is part of the story, it is not all. While I hate the way Keith left, I do not think he was obligated to be miserable. Things have been REALLY bad between them for quite a while. Keith left Jes because he couldn't take it any more. HE LEFT JES. In the process he had to leave the kids too. He feels like shit about the kids, but is it fair to make him stay if he was not happy? Jes is one of my best friends, but she has got to see things from other points of view. She has tunnel vision so bad that she can not see that she was not in a good relationship. At least not for the last year and a half. I wish I could give her the strength to move on and enjoy life, but she is set on being miserable because somewhere in that head of hers it says" If I give up without a fight, it means I never really cared". We all know how much you love him. but if he doesn't feel the same, MOVE ON and give someone else a chance. Give yourself a chance to be happy.

  Monday at 08:42 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery You are right there is two sides of every story and yes things were crazy the last year and a half BUT he NEVER ONCE tried to talk to me. He NEVER ONCE gave me a chance to fix anything. he PRETENDED that everything was ok. So, Why not say that, you know it's true. And now he refuses to speak to me about anything. That is NOT how couples are suppose to be. AT ALL. Ya know, I'm sorry that your opinion and mine do not match, but the fact is I KNOW what we had, I KNOW how I feel about him & I believe that he felt the same way before he quit being honest. I also believe that IF he would TRY that things could be fixed. BUT HE WONT TRY.

  Monday at 09:36
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery Telling me to "MOVE ON" is NOT helping, it only hurts. I'm NOT like him. I can't just love someone one day and say FUCK THEM the next. I can't just walk away from my home, my fiance, and my family and start chasing everything that comes my way. That would be disrespectful to me, keith, and anyone new that came along. I love Keith, my heart is with Keith, and you are right...I do not want to give up because I believe that it says that I never cared. Just like I have started believing that maybe he played me for 7 years and that maybe I was a fool for falling 4 his tricks. Of course its really hard to force myself to believe that when I'm honest with myself because I know how things were before he quit trying...

  Monday at 09:41 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery As for the kids, I will continue to stand by what I keep saying. Those are MY blood kids/grandkids & He left US (Not just me the kids too). And yet, You make it sound like he cares, that he "feels bad"???? Thats njot right... do you treat people u love and care about like that? I don't. I don't treat people I don't care about like that. I didnt ever treat Dyl's X and her children this way and everyone knows how I feel about her... It wouldn't be right to do to the kids I still love.... Seriously here... Nothing is gonna change the way I feel about this. I lived it as a kid, and my kids lived it w/ their dads and every man that ever swore he cared about them... Now Keith walks out the day before everything was due. Just like Marg said... he never even gave me a chance to set anything up.... SO, he didnt care if the kids that he had raised over the past 7 years ate or had a home. And because of this I feel he has NO RIGHT to play games with them now. If he really gave a shit he would try to be civil 4 them but no he is sneaking around, parking down the street, and playing head games. & His contact with MY underage children is AGAINST my permission. I do NOT want him around them when I know he will only hurt their psychies in the long run. He needs to leave them the F*** alone if he isn't man enough to be a true father/grandfather just leave them alone! because everytime he comes near them he causes them to question and hurt. then I have to deal with it. I shouldn't be forced to deal w/ that when I'm already dealing with the wreck he left in my heart.

  Monday at 09:55 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery one more thing... you say he is SOOOOO happy now... well I was with him for 7 years... 1st thing he told me when he got here was how when he is anxious he cuts his hair and shaves his face... guess what he did that.... 2nd thing he told me was that whe...See More

  Monday at 10:01
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery I keep telling u that IF he would have tried a minor fraction of what I have/am to save our relationship before running away, we would NOT be going thru this now. It wouldn't have taken much... communication and honesty was the key. I was MORE THAN willing to listen and work on ANYTHING he wanted... I tried to get him to talk to me. He always said "I thought everything was fine...." even when I told him it wasn't that we needed to talk about things... he just kept letting what ever build up and kept lying to me and then walked away like 7 yrs didn't matter..... Well it matters to me. I never ever gave up on him or us... He gave up on me... It's all F***** up. I believe he was/is worth fighting for at least he is "worth it" when he is being the real Keith and not the new 37 year old Keith who is playing a 17 yr old internet heartless Casanova...

  Monday at 10:33 
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery What I want to know is.... why is it everyone says "fight for what you want; what you believe in... until you do, then its stop, forget it, walk away, move on, give up ur dreams, and any other statement that means the same? Is it that I should only fight for what other's want? Cause that is damn sure what you say when u say "MOVE ON".........

  Monday at 10:35
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery FOR THE RECORD: This in no way shape or form involves ANYONE not mentioned or apart of this convo..... this is only my way of venting what I am going thru and my own insecurities... please do NOT take it personal. The only person who should take it personal is KEITH!)

  Monday at 15:03
• 

  Billy Hall Sr. hey i am using bills page because jess has blocked me,i am keith's mom sandra and i know for a fact that he goes to bed at 10 every night and does not get up until 7 in morning,and i hear him snoring all night long,as for drinking ,he NEVER comes home drunk,he has 1-2 beers and thats not every night,he is an adult and should be allowed to go out and enjoy himself,as for the kids i LOVE them all and they come here to see me often,what do u want me to do jess tell them to stay away?i can't and won't do that.they may not be my blood,but i still love them. most of the time keithie is'nt here when they visit,and they call wanting keithie to do this and that for them and he always does,if he did'nt care he would not do stuff for them. and i feed them and give them money and we have done lots for you though the years and u don't say thanks,u act like it is owed u,i have bent over backwards foe u and the kids and u have the NERVE TO SAY FUCK HIS FAMILY,U NEVER TRYED TO FIT IN THIS FAMILY ,U say that its all out fault but its not,u are not innocent in your and keith's relationship, and u know it Quit blamming him for everything,u will never get him back by bitching about him all the time,i could geton here and really complain about some of the stuff you have done,but i won't because i don't want to hurt you and the kids,this is all i have to say.i am sorry things have turned out this way,but other ppl go though this too and that don't put it all over facebook. let it go .

  Monday at 18:10
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery 1st off I didnt block u sandy, and this is a new profile and u were never added. I didnt add alot of people because it was just too -big of a hassel- I let people find me. U never asked to friend me so u werent added.

  2nd, I could take screen shots that show him logging in and out and what the site says about where he is. -most the time he is 1600- or 500 feet from this house at night all- night it varies from 500- to 600 to 1200 to 1300- to 1400- feet so maybe u dont hear him. I dont know. All --I do know is what I do and that is pretty much nothing...
• 4. The kids visiting you... I never said they couldnt see you or big keith. You all- havent done anything and I never said u did. I know u help them and Im ok with that. For that matter I have nothing against u or big keith. at least u cared enough to help when he left.
  

  5th I have ALWAYS thanked people 4 helping me/us. while together I even told keith he should thank you instead of running out w/out a word. I know u heard me do that. U use to tell me that it's just keithie. I didnt like it cause I felt it was wrong. but thats ok blame me.

  6th, Ive never said FUCK HIS FAMILY I say F*** u to him-. he did this not u. and while we r on the topic of family, NO I never felt like I fit in. W/ u and keith yes but not many others. I felt like a outsider that keithie brought in and that people didnt really want me or the kids but that they didnt tell us. So YES I stayed away. why go where u don't feel wanted? The way I seen it I was gonna marry him I loved him and thats all that really mattered as long as I tried to be polite when spoken to and didnt try to keep him away...
• When are people gonna see that He lied to everyone including me and didn't talk to me about anything. For that matter- He is still lying to people, & Im still getting blamed & now ur on here trying to make him look better-. Its not right. he hid everything he did from you so u wouldnt judge him and now he gets away w/ it... AGAIN.... Like I keep saying this whole situation is a communication problem that will never be solved until he allows it to be.--- thats why I make the posts I do. He wont sit down w/ me like 2 adults and discuss anything. So I chose to address him in OUR world. The place that we go to vent, the place where we never just close our eyes and ears. NO we may not always speak to each other but we read the message & the point still gets to the person. I know u dont understand that but Its a whole different world than what ur use to. Like I said before my profile is usually private very very private. the only reason its open right now is so he can see and yes this IS the modern way that people handle it. I see it all the time. -- and as long as something is bothering me Ill turn to the only support system that I still have.
• 
  

  
  
• I don't know Sandy, u say that he will never come back as long as Im bitching at him. I wouldnt bitch at him if he would just be a man and actually talk to me. Communicate with me and quit talking behind my back. U don't believe me when I tell u what he has told people but I know what they say. he did call me a fat ass, he did say he cheated on me twice last year w/outy me knowing, and he did go around trying to mess w/ several women-. Look up Lisa Movius on here see who he told that he wants to meet up w/ for S-pleasures and if u really want to see the convo between them Ill show u. I garentee u would be embarrassed by it. but I dont think u really want to know. I think everyone wants to blame me...

  So, I ask... What would u do? REALLY? what if u were in my shoes? U dont know what u would do but Im sure IF u really loved someone u wouldnt just stop loving them or trying to get them to listen.... IF u did... in my heart Id say u didnt love or care about them to begin with... So with that I say... I LOVE YOUR SON and no matter how bad he hurts me, I will ALWAYS love him. Thats just how it is. YES I will eventually move away, and thanks to my own stupidity 4 coming here I will lose my kids/grandkids in the process. But thats just one more thing I will have to live without not that anyone cares.........
• Before anyone says ANYTHING about me moving away.... Let me make this clear... I have never wanted to be here. From the moment I moved here I said so. Keith and I use to talk about moving away togather we even started buying this house so that after 5 years we could sell it and use the money to move. BUT the kids started having kids and then back in October Keith said he no longer wanted to move. I asked if we could at least move farther out of town he said he'd think about it. I would have stayed 4 him. I would have tried to live thru it just to be with him. But he was the only reason Ive stayed. And now that the kids have kids, they want to stay so that their kids can have their families... which I understand, but IF he isn't coming home, I'm gone anywhere than here the farther from the memories the better. Maybe if I can get somewhere bigger I can get that job I been looking for for 7 years and I can set up something so I can see my kids and grandkids from time to time but I won't hold my breath. Hell I havent seen Star since I been here.....

  
  
• ---Karin just came in and asked why Im saying FU to gma. I NEVER SAID FU TO ANY OF HIS FAMILY HIS PARENTS HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO RECEIVE SUCH A STATEMENT... I SAID FU TO HIM other than that my only real FU statement was... 1. "Telling me to "MOVE ON" is NOT helping, it only hurts. I'm NOT like him. I can't just love someone one day and say FUCK THEM the next. I can't just walk away from my home, my fiance, and my family and start chasing everything that comes my way. That would be disrespectful to me, keith, and anyone new that came along." ...I don't see where that is a FU to anyone because I said I couldnt do my family that way... If only 4 the kids sake (cause I know Im not) I THOUGHT his family was still kin...-----------

  
  
• 

  Marg Cassada I don't know many of you on here, but please STOP telling Jess to get over Keith. If a woman truly loves a man and he splits, it takes more than just 48 days to get over him. My husband and I have separated over 7 years and he still wants me to come back, 7 years! This will take time. And it will be a process. Time heals all wounds. If people don't like what Jess says when she vents, then get off her page! If you don't want to see the post, then delete her until she is over him. Don't dog her when she needs a shoulder to cry on. Hell, just listen and be quiet. After all she is just venting.........

  
  
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery WOW... I just reread this whole convo and I see where Sandy took 1 statement out of context.... I had said... "Fuck his family... we can die and he wouldn't care..."... she took it as fuck her... when if she would have read the WHOLE thing she would have seen what I was ACTUALLY saying... ME & THE KIDS not his blood family... but OUR family.... u know the family he created as his own.... OMG I swear people dont know me at all... like I would say that NOT...

  
  
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery People don't understand that Marg. they think calling him a sorry ass putting him down and telling me to get the F*** over him is helping. they think just because he moves on so eay that its normal.

  
  
• 

  Jessica Tolson-Montgomery No one gives a rats ass about how I feel or how this effects me. They don't care that Im stuck or that Im in pain. all they care about is that I shut up and dont bother them. FACT, Im alone in this most the time. I have a friend that listens 24/7 when he dont have to. He don't even really know me and has been more supportive than most my friends. And that messes with my head. I would think that most my friends would know me by now and see that this is a different situation than Ive ever had before. Ive never had the inability to "move on" Ive never felt trapped by circumstances. But then my kids were young when I came here. They have never had kids before now and the laws that I'm living with now are different. They have a choice now they can use the laws to make me stay and they would. because they want their children to be around their family which I totally understand but it makes it impossible 4 me to leave right now. Im stuck here in this town that hates me, I try but I cant get a job and I dont have money 4 a car or parents who will buy me one. I dont even have gas money to put in a car if I did have one. IF I had a car Id hit the truckstop and clean trucks and EARN the money to pay the bills and get what we need but I dont have a way to do anything. I am stuck where I am w/ out any real help. YES KEITHS MOM & DAD HELPED alot since Ive been here but now that she misread something on this post she is pissed at me too.