Day 51- The heart ache never ends

Dear Keith,
Well, 51 days feels like eturnity. I know you don't care, but I know that I still do and I don't know what do about it or with myself. My heart keeps screaming... "If only you could understand, maybe you would change your mind." but you're not going to are you? You are having too much fun right? I don't get it... I really don't.

How can you spend 7 years with a woman, raise her kids, help raise her grandkids, call yourself dad/pappy and then walk out like it never mattered? My god, that seems so ruthless, and I just can't believe that the man I know could be so cold. I can't think of one single thing that I could have done or any group of things that I could have done that would have caused me to deserve the pain I am feeling right now. &  you won't talk to me. It's so unfair. YES I know life isn't suppose to be fair, but I know I could never do this to anyone. & no one seems to understand what I'm going through. I'm completely alone.

Keith I'm human. I think it is normal for a person to miss someone when they loose them especially when they love the person as much as I love you. this is crazy keithie, I never meant to fall in love with you but I did and I never meant to give you so much control over me as I did but it happen and now I am here without you & I miss you. I miss your brown eyes, your quirky smile, your laugh, the funny way you mixed up your words. I miss the way you would walk past and pick on me by pulling my shirt string or pulling my top down. I miss the way you would look at me w/ those wanting me eyes. I miss your smell, I miss running my hands over your belly, I miss feeling your heart beat in my ear. I miss the blanket wars, your passionate kiss, your being in the same room; even when we weren't saying a word. There was such a feeling of security just knowing you were there with me. I wasn't alone and I felt loved.

 Ok so you aren't a chip n dale dancer or a famous model, you are no brainiack like Einstein, and you're not rich. But once I got to know you, you became all I ever wanted. I swear Keith if I had known I was doing something wrong; I would have fixed it. I never wanted to lose you. You have to believe that. I mean yea I know you don't have to believe it, but I really really wish you would because I don't want anyone else and I have no desire to move on. I'd rather be dead.

Ok before that is taken out of context... no I'm not going to do anything stupid because I don't have the balls, but I do pray all the time that the Gods will put me out of my misery so that I don't have to continue to hurt. I even dream about finding out that something is seriously wrong with me, and that I would refuse treatment so that this can all stop. But I guess you'll never understand how important you really are to me and even if you do, you won't care cause that's just how my life goes... After all I am the gods science experiment... Its my job to show them how easy it is for a person to break...

I guess they really succeeded this time.... your gone, the kids hate me, and I'm completely alone....without my heart because you still have that too...