Day 16 (Sent thru Facebook)

From Me:

Keith, Ellie brought me your keys. I prayed you kept them for a reason, that you kept them so that you could come home again. All I can do is cry. Why can't you see what your doing? Why can't you open your eyes and simply talk to me? Why... Keith I haven't don't anything wrong. I worship you. You are all I want; all I need.

Yes I know that I had the thing with Stacy, but that ended in September and I don't want anyone else. All I want is you. Like I said before I keep getting offers and I keep my ass at home. I lay holding your pillow. crying begging god to send you home or take me away so I don't have to live without you. I don't want to live like this. I want you. and I don't understand why you won't talk to me.

Thats what started all this. You wouldn't communicate. IF you had only been honest. told me the truth. we wouldnt be going through this. I wouldn't have went. I swear I wouldn't have went. If you would have wrapped your arms around me and said u loved me. I wouldn't have went. I know I shouldn't have listened to your words and that I should have followed my heart but I thought it was what you wanted. Now I just want to die. I feel like my life is over and you wouldn't be doing this IF you would just see what I'm going thru without you

Keith you are not this cold. I know you. You are a loving carring man. Your a man with a conscious. Your a man with a dream. I once forfilled that dream. We were happy. We can be again and it can last forever. Thats all I want. I want to live my life making you happy. But I never had a chance. You never told me what I was doing wrong. It's like you set me up to fail. I don't believe that you are that type of person. Thats why I keep waiting hoping praying and trying to fix things.

Keith I am fighting for you. I am doing what you never did. I haven't given up on you. It takes all my strength to get up in the morning. To clean the house, to eat, to go out job hunting. I'm trying Keith. I'm trying so hard. I just want to prove to you and Ill kill myself to do that. I don't care how tired I am, how swollen my eyes are from crying, how much I puke, how bad I shake and cry. I need you to see how much you mean to me. I need you to KNOW the truth. I need you to think about it. I need you to talk to me. Please keith talk to me. just write me here. you don't have to move back in immediately. We can take it slow. I just need you in my life. I feel like Im smothering. I feel like Im dying slowly that my heart is being cut out piece by piece and only you can stop the pain. Please keith... please stop the pain. Please help make me whole again.....

Keith Dougherty wrote back: "Am not coming back I dont want be with you"

From Me: "Keith I know your hurt and angry. I know that. I hate myself 4 that. But I don't believe that you feel nothing. You are not that cold."

Keith Dougherty wrote back: "I dont love you move on I did"

From Me: "Im trying to get a job. I'm trying to make money. I know that was a problem. I'm not eating. I know u told someone that was a problem So I'm trying to loose weight I dont believe that. I think u try to make yourself believe that What did I do so wrong?I gave u what you wanted Please talk to me

Keith I have NEVER loved someone so much that I couldn't "move on" as u call it. I've always ran out and found someone else. I just can't I don't want anyone else

Im not trying to force u to come back right now. I'm asking you to please talk to me. Give me a chance. Take your time. But talk. take the time to do something u havent done in several years...
talk to me. one subject at a time. Come on keithie... Just talk to me. I think your afraid that if u do that you will find your feelings again and u are so set on not doing that."

Keith Dougherty wrote back "Lol there nothing there get over your self"

From Me: "Get over myself".... I'm not about myself. My heart is about you. What part of that don't u understand?"

Keith Dougherty "I dont want you you need to get over it by"

From Me: "I believe there IS something there or else it wouldn't bother u to talk to me. You wouldnt have slipped away and used text to tell me u werent coming home. I think you did it that way cause u knew Id do everything to try to convience u to stay"

I'm never going to get "over" you with so much left unsaid. with so many questions left unanswered. I'm never going to forget how much I love you. I'm not. I'm not like that. I can't just shut off my emotions. and I wouldn't want to. Id rather die than forget how much I love you. My feelings are REAL.

I want to know why. I need to know details. I need to know what I did so wrong

Would u at least write me a letter and tell me why. just spill ur guts and let me have it all. tell me why. tell me everything u think.... please..........

Keith Dougherty "Am happy with out you that all am saying to you good bye"

From Me: " Keith I deserve to know why. can u at least be a man and tell me all the reasons why"

Fine Keith.... I guess you really are the cold hearted ass everyone says you are... I don't want to believe that I mean... I thought u were different but I guess I don't know u at all anymore. The only thing I do know is myself & I know I love u & that U can't say I didn't try. I've tried. I tried everything I know how including begging u and ur cyber sluts to stop this... It got me no where. And since u won't be honest and tell me the truth... I will always believe that you don't have a good reason for doing this ... so wtf ever.

u have ur fun w/ ur cyber sluts and when u see the big truck or harley in our front yard you can blame yourself

(I've decided to take a chance and try dating. The guy I am considering is independent and cares about others. He owns 2 big trucks, 2 properties, and a harley. Unlike you... he is a gentleman. he isn't wanting to get laid. he wants to get to know me and he is talking about giving me a job as his secretary that way I can pay off this house and take care of the kids...

I swear... I think it's fucked up that complete strangers care more about the kids and our grandkids than the man they have called Dad/Pappy for 7 years......

Oh well... I know I don't deserve this. I know that I'm better than any of those 2 bit whores u are seeing. (I know of 2 so far that u've went to see... Moundsville blond bimbo and the sardis lady that u went to her work and weird-ed her out) I also know that when they realize how addicted to cyber porn you are they won't stay either and karma will finally provide justice for what you did to me and the kids.

By then hopefully it will be too late & I won't care because I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being your excuse when you are the one to blame. I didn't do anything to you to deserve what you are doing to me and the kids. Matter a fact... I would have done anything 4 u... but u couldn't stay away from the cam sluts... I mean jez I may be a lil heavy but those women are butt ass ugly!

Anyway... have a good life. I don't wish u harm because I know I still love u and that u matter to me; even if u enjoy tearing my heart out and hurting my kids.... Just wish I would have left before I fell for you then this would have never happen...

~Always, Jesilyn~

P.S. 1st off ... PLEASE change your address.... I have already told welfare that u moved out. I got a letter in "my name" today that told me that ur foodstamps end this month... (I'm returning your mail to sender)

2nd... since u no longer live here I ask that you DO NOT come to my house when I am gone. The way I see it, IF you can't be a man and come while I'm here u don't need to come at all. IF you come in my house w/out MY permission I will call the police.

3rd. stay away from my kids/grandkids. You obviously didn't care enough about them to make sure they would be ok if u left so you damn sure don't deserve the title Dad or Pappy. The older kids may not care but poor little aden does and him seeing u at the store has kept him crying. It's not fair to him so just leave him alone ok...

I mean seriously....Real men don't do this to kids... Then again... real mean don't run out on their families at all.