Day 55-Lonliness and Pain

 

Dear Keith,
As I sit here tonight alone in the dark, I stare at lil Aden laying on our bed. My brain reacts like a slide show and pictures of you and him cross my mind. I remember how many nights I laid awake staring at you two. How his lil body wrapped around you for security, how his little fingers would play with your hair or rub your arm. When he fell off the bed tonight, I thought about how we would sleep on both sides of him and protect him so that such things wouldn't happen. Now one side of the bed no longer has a human rail; you're gone. The only thing he has left of you is your blanket and he curls up in it every night like clockwork. He won't sleep without it, and I don't blame him because I feel the same way about your pillows. I place my feather pillow over your blue one and hold your other pillow tight in my arms. It no longer smells like you. It hasn't for weeks. I thought about buying some of your spray, but I know it wouldn't be the same, the chemistry would be different w/out your natural scent and it just wouldn't provide the same comfort.

This all takes me right back to the drawing board. I MISS YOU and I don't understand how you can do what you are doing. Do you ever thing about me? Don't you miss me at all? Don't you have any good memories to draw from, that reminds you how in love we once were? I still love you like that. I still need you like that. Im so lonly but my mind screams that NOTHING compares and there is no reason to try to replace you because it will never happen. and then my mind argues with it's self...

 (Example Of How This Plays out)

Right Brain: He will come back; You'll see... just be patient....

Left Brain: He'll never come back. He called you a fat ass... and he is chasing all these other women.

Right Brain: I quit eating. I've lost over 10 pounds. I been fixing myself up everyday and even posting pictures for him to find... I'm trying to make changes in my appearance so that I can recapture his attention. I mean I did it before so I can do it again. Right?

Left Brain: Ok so even if he does notice it won't change anything... He told someone he left because was tired of being financially responsible for everything.                    

                        

Right Brain: Ok, he don't have to be totally responsible... If I pay off the house then that bill will be eliminated & it might prove to him that I can be equally responsible for everything.

Left Brain: Ok, so I pay off the house and there are other problems; so it won't matter. What about the fact that he told people you won't work?

Right Brain: I'm just going to have to keep trying. I been putting in all kinds of applications. I check on them every week, but nothing is happening yet but it will happen. maybe if I can get a car... maybe I can change his mind if I just had a car and could go farther away to find work.

Left Brain:  Hey dumb ass, you been TRYING for 7 years there are NO jobs here and you can't get a car without money, and you can't get money without a job. How the fuck do you think you can get a car or a job like this? You can't win!

Right Brain: But I have to, I can't just give up. I have to keep trying. Jesus Christ, even my own brain isn't supporting me in this...

And the tears flow...

It's a never ending battle. All I want to do is fix this and regain our happiness... It's all I think about. Why can't you understand how much I love you? Why can't you see what I'm willing to do to prove to you? 

Do you really like living w/ your parents, sleeping alone in that little bedroom? Don't you miss being held, admired, loved? I miss you... But that don't matter does it? 

(And Left brain says "NO!!!")